witty one liners about life

Disrupting expectations or norms on a concept, situation, or idea. Dream as if youll live forever, live as if youll die today. James Dean, 74. Theyll be able to feel your authenticity. - Tom Robbins. Playing to what makes an audience similar, A: You can find good icebreaker jokes for work in. Funny one-liners 1. 39. ] [Jerry Seinfeld uses this technique. Groucho Marx. Eleanor Roosevelt, 26. Well, neither does bathing. Best Employee Engagement Software Platforms For High Performing Teams [HR Approved] Whether your dream job entails selling, consulting or sleeping till noon, these funny work quotes are sure to resonate. Winter: the season when we try to keep the house as hot as it was in the summer, when we complained about the heat. "Even I don't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford. Oprah Winfrey, 27. "Jim Halpert, The Office, 89. I am a professional, but I have a lot of Nutrasweet in my system and I dont have a good short-term memory., 3) I have, you know, a lot of things I want to discuss with you and I dont even remember what they are. Mark Twain, 71. Take a scroll through these inspirational quotes. No one wants to help mom do the dishes."P.J. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. Witty one liners are jokes that are delivered in a single line. There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data. You can also use a funny team building joke or quote to make sure everyone can relax during the meeting. 71. 3. There's nothing like a little alone time to make you appreciate your own company. James Branch Cabell, 9. Turn that frown upside down with these hilarious sayings about life, love, friendship, and work. A new study shows that one-third of people dont floss, while the other two-thirds couldnt answer with all the local anesthetic in their mouths. This morning I was staring at my naked body in the mirror and thought. Lets chat! DukeMcGoober: Then God said unto John: "Come forth and receive eternal life.". 61. "By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day.". As the sayings go, we only get one shot at this adventure we call life and weve compiled these 80 funny one-liners about life to bring you a giggle. I dont know, but its flag is a big plus! (Best Life). We never really grow up we only learn how to act in public. Unknown, 29. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website. I wanted to make a joke about leeches, but it sucked. Dont be a fool. Because they have two left feet. Rita Mae Brown, 35. 65. 3. Speaking in front of a small group can feel like going on a first date. "Zig Ziglar, 99. Your email address will not be published. Nobel. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. Douglas Adams, 5. I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently, you can't end a sentence with a proposition. Appropriate and hilarious. All the time. Here are some one-liners about life that will surely get a smile on your face. "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. Lance is an uncommon name nowadays. "Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls, 47. A cab. "Alexander Woollcott, 73. A new wine has been made for cats. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame Unknown, 54 Change the game, dont let the game change you. Macklemore There is no life as complete as the life that is lived by choice. Shad Helmstetter, 55. So did everyone else on the submarine), Disrupts expectations via incongruity between a concept, situation, or idea. Question:What do you call a fish with no eye?Answer: FSH. Now you say, Control freak who?. "Benjamin Franklin, 30. Easy. Its full of surprises, and things dont always turn out the way you plan. Helps people understand one another via insight or perspective on the current social environment. Life. "My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best. Guides and Resources This website uses cookies to improve your experience. Thats why we recommend it daily. Zig Ziglar, 51. I told them that I wanted to become a stand-up comedian. Ellen DeGeneres, 76. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. I asked her why she drew the eyebrows that high and she seems surprised! "Pauline Thomason, 54. My friend gave me his EpiPen as he was dying. 68: Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 94. One day YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will join together and be called: YouTwitFace . "Cathy Guisewite, 17. Its Monday morning, and the incessant trill of your alarm has woken you from a pretty great dream. "I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. 136 Funniest Work Jokes For The Work of The Day (Ultimate List) The reason some politicians like to stand on their record is to keep voters from examining it. Either vacant, engaged, or full of crap., 90% of the men give the other 10% a bad name., Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type., The great question Which I have not been able to answeris, What does a woman want?. ~ Freud, I would rather trust a womans instinct than a mans reason. ~ Stanley Baldwin, Whatever women do they must do twice, as well as men to be thought half as good. She kept running away from the ball. Search, watch, and cook every single Tasty recipe and video ever - all in one place! 38+ Whopping Funny One Liner Quotes That Will Unlock Your True Potential 52. He thought he was God and I didnt.Men are like toilets. 15. Now quiet! Gifted. Enjoy these funny quotes, a laugh and share with a friend. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. "Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible." "Well, tell him I can't see him right now." One liner tags: communication, doctor, puns. Did you hear they arrested the devil? A man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps. I saw a sign that said, "Watch for children," and I thought, I'll never forget my grandfather's last word to me before he kicked the bucket. . How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? Enough to break the iceor your spine for that matter., 6) When I meet women, I immediately start talking about global warming. 74. Funny one liners for dating - noticias Eurokarpa Whats a dogs favorite homework assignment? Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing. '"Groucho Marx, 31. 14) When in doubt, mumble. The meaning of life is to give life meaning. Ken Hudgins, 2. She leaves me with the feeling that when we bury the hatchet shell mark the exact spot. Knock, knock. I poked a badger with a spoon. (Eddie Izzard), 6) You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? Pro-Tip #4:Get plenty of fodder for your jokes by introducing your team to Quizbreaker, an icebreaker tool that makes it easy to create and share quizzes about your team, with your team. That means I talk down to people. There's a fine line between hyphenated words. Luckily, the folks at Caroo have curated their very own Icebreaker Box to help kickoff your event with a little bit of snacking, team building, and maybe even an adult beverage . 18. Then it hit me. A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks. Both. See our new one liners or check one liner of the day. Small son sitting on Daddys lap: Im still confused. "The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one." From the very best dad jokes to one-liners and puns, we've got it all for you! Need some more laughs? How can you tell youre getting old? #1. Now that I made it weird, Im going to make my exit Unknown, 42. "Reality continues to ruin my life. 40. Too many cheetahs. 20. Use fun and funny facts about your team to break the ice at your next meeting. You've perfected overthinking as an art form. ' Don Marquis. Every of the time! Kevin Malone, The Office, 32. "Life is pleasant. 84.04 % / 304 votes. But dont worrywe have just the thing for a case of the Mondays: funny work quotes. Advice to husbands: Try praising your wife now and then, even if it does startle her at first. Privacy Policy And thats just in the hot dogs. (David Letterman), 2) Ive been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. "A man is at the funeral of an old friend. "Mindy Kaling, 2. Charlotte Whitton, 28. (Ex: Do you know what I love most about baseball? "Phyllis Diller, 93. Looking for more than just trust falls? But sometimes they just get on your nerves. I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house but the kids still get in. 42. Two guys walk into a bar; the third one ducks. What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? 88. You cant believe everything you hearbut you can repeat it. Some men say they dont wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. It was compiled by Evelina Medina. Has someone been kidnapped? We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), Do Not Sell or Share My Personal Information. The coach replied, "You're standing too close to the ball after you've hit it.". A happy person is one whose arithmetic is at its best when he is counting his blessings., A hard thing about business is minding your own. Via Getty Images/Michael Heim / EyeEm. "I'm not crazy I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years." "Bill Watterson, 10. Well, thats the point, isnt it? Show me a man who is a good loser, and Ill show you a man who is playing golf with his boss. Jim Murray. And if they would, I do not do that thing." (Deny it if you must, person who just Googled "funny dad jokes.") So, in honor of joke-telling dads everywhere, we present the best of the best corny dad jokes and puns, whether you need a few new one-liners to add to your own repertoire, are craving a good chuckle, or are looking for a good Father's Day caption or dad quote to honor your . 1) Have you ever noticed [fill in with something you find interesting or funny. "One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.". Its called wedding cake. the crustacean accused of promoting his own shellfish interests? If you think you are too small to make a difference, you havent spent a night with a mosquito. African proverb, 12. Wittiest Sex Quotes Ever | Psychology Today The fastest road to meaning and success: choose one thing and go all-in. Maxime Lagac, 38. These quick-witted and smart quotes, one-liners, status messages, will lighten the air, add humor to your conversations, and will make it easy to break the ice show your fun side too. George Burns, 48. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off. "Jerry Lewis, 67. Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines. Robert H. Schiuller, 67. Self care and ideas to help you live a healthier, happier life. "Will Ferrell, 51. Sign up to receive the latest and greatest articles from our site automatically each week (give or take)right to your inbox. The best things in life are free but you still have to pay shipping Unknown, 62. It came from sushi recipes., 3) Why do people park in a driveway but drive on a parkway?, 4) Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? (Robin Williams), 5) Nowadays, comedians tell the news and the media tells the jokes., 6) A player asked his golf coach: What is going wrong with my game? The coach replied, Youre standing too close to the ball after youve hit it. (Golf Workout Program), 7) Housework wont kill you. The difference between a hippo and a Zippo is that one is heavy and the other is a little lighter. 7. - Steven Wright. The wife smiles, and says 'Thank you, that means a lot.'". The wife says that yes, he could. Whos there? Funny work quotes can be the antidote to even the strongest workday blues. I entered 10 puns in a pun contest, hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did. "I wanna be 14 again and ruin my life differently, I have new ideas." - Unknown 4. Don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. O'Rourke, 88. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. George Carlin, 10. When my toothpaste dropped to the ground, I was crestfallen. "No man goes before his time unless the boss leaves early." "Oscar Wilde, 60. the cat who ate a ball of yarn? Life is like homemade ice cream: sweet and seasonal. Now that I have children, I understand the scene in Return of the Jedi where Yoda is so tired of answering Lukes questions, he just up and dies. (iFunny).

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