my boyfriend's mom treats him like her husband

BIG MISTAKE. May 1, 2023, 6:36 am, by Unless you call for hours she should wait till he finishes. She has to act like wifey to make people think that. But is your boyfriend just a bit of a mommas boy or is he really codependent? The same thing, she relied on him for emotional support, babysitting his two younger sisters, mowing the lawn and other fatherly duties, even stating some kind of creepy comments about his appearance. Period. Especially in a situation like he is. You are both still so young. It wasnt because I wanted him to spend hours on the phone with me. Sometimes our conversations felt really generic or that he was too busy. They should call him by his real name and know he's their brother (but thats not something you can control). I had an ex very similar to how OP describes, for the first year I noticed how close he and his mother were but made excuses for it internally and thought we all managed quite well - I visited her and his sister a bunch of times alone while my ex was deployed and all seemed fine. Man this is gonna fuck his adult relationships. Are you the other woman to a guy whose wife and kids keep interrupting him? You are never going to find a person with a perfect situation. And of all the baggage you can have this is relatively minor. If hes not willing to see how unhealthy this is, you should cut your losses and walk away, because women who do things like this to their sons never, ever want to let go. If he can't see an issue with the way things are with his mom and his brothers, then he's gonna end up a 50-year-old momma's boy bachelor. Before he makes any big decisions, he consults her to In fact, most parent-child codependent relationships were formed in childhood. You can do better than a mama's boy. After you recognize the signs its important to ask yourself how much this is impacting on you, and in what ways. Does he spend a lot of time avoiding his mother, not because he's a forgetful man but because she creates anxiety or distress for him? The parent can be emasculating at times and cause the child partner to harbor resentment. It melted the plastic bag. You all are a couple. Blech. You will become the bad guy and will always come second. He is obviously struggling and by what you wrote - he cannot open up to you because you're not understanding and do not support him. But lets not forget its really about your relationship with him. My parents were very independent of us and were by no means helicopter/clingy parents. He needs a strong woman because he's a bit dependent on others. WebAITA for telling my mother that she treats my boyfriend like her husband? You don't have to save this relationship, its hard and there are crazy circumstances right now which make it much harder. Web167 likes, 15 comments - JJ Heller (@jjhellermusic) on Instagram: "Graduation season is almost upon us! He always mentions if it werent for the virus he was suppose to be moved out but even then.. If you see a future to this relationship, you can help him with that. It sounds like she doesnt like her boyfriends life. That is called contributing since he is a grown man still living at home. Dismissive. I'm getting some catfishing vibes. She decided that was me trying to pull a fast one on her??? His problems may be fixable, but that doesn't mean he will fix them or that it's your job to wait around to find out. When he needed your help, all you did was get upset. Our website services, content and products are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. that could be your future if you stay in this relationship. It's the first person he had a close and connected relationship with (in most cases) and is, in many circumstances, the person who shaped his values and outlook on the world. Even if you arent happy about your partners relationship with his mother, you still need to take care of yourself. I was in a situation almost EXACTLY like this with my ex boyfriend. He is scared that if he isnt there for her, shell fall apart. If you choose to stay with him, I think you should be comfortable with the understanding that this situation isn't going to be quickly solvable. He wants to move out, right? May 1, 2023, 5:07 am. WebYour husband may have a close bond with his family and want to please them, make them happy, and show them his life. You've only been dating a few months, most if not all of which has been virtually, So, presumably, you've never actually met his mother or siblings face to face, or engaged with them in any meaningful way, His father is out of the picture, and he has two young siblings, His mother works full time (and from your description, potentially runs her own business), She asks him to go grocery shopping and run other errands a couple of times per week, His brothers see him, a man roughly twice the oldest's age, as an authority figure in the house, and ask him for permission to do things that they know they need permission for from an adult in the house, He told you that he wants to move out, but due to the current situation feels he can't (whether that's due to financial reasons, concerns about the logistics of moving during a pandemic, or because he wants to help his mom through this tough time). It's not healthy no, but what is healthy is that they have such a loving older brother who is really there for them. Hes still quite young so theres time for him to realise. As a single mom, I understand needing the oldest sibling to help with certain things, but it sounds like his mom is way too dependent on him. I mean I'm 18 and we were 16 I think when we got together and I left when he was 18 and i was 17 so it was a bit more of an issue since he couldnt really move out. But just know that in any relationships your not going to be able to give full or constant attention all the time. Like she demands him to go to the grocery store weekly (and complains about him eating certain things and wants him to pay her back etc), makes him go to other stores to fetch her products for her business when she could easily do it herself? This is definitely the weirdest part, but if you take it away there's still a major problem going on. It can happen between parents and children, siblings, partners, friends, etc. Doing weekly shopping and running errands is not an unreasonable ask. And at that age if youre not feeling that way then I think its better for both parties to move on. 7 signs youre in a relationship with a genuinely good person, 10 signs youre in a relationship with a trustworthy person, 9 heart-warming habits of couples who stay madly in love, finally offered an actual, practical solution, The power of kindness: 10 habits of genuinely caring individuals, If you exhibit these 10 traits, you have a truly adventurous personality, 11 common words that make you sound less confident (and how to replace them). I'd say that he might like it. If you're considering dating a type like this, here's what I have to offer: Don't do it! I mean really, she thinks its unreasonable to ask a 22 year old LIVING AT HOME to go to the grocery store once a week??? But that was normal for us. The reality is he's afraid of the power a woman could have over him, so he has a ton of girlfriends, and, somehow, none of them measure up. Is there pressure to take care of younger siblings because they lack a mom or dad? If you parent your partner, you are actually showing them a lack of acceptance and a lack of respect. Maybe he cant do that because the economy is shit and probably only going to get worse. My bf was kinda the same and it was a thing I discussed in therapy. There's no guarantee if it will happen or when, but you have to take this path with that on mind and 3) let him go, it's OK if you don't want to deal with this BS. I asked my husband for some time alone with him, but he said Never gonna happen. Many of your examples are not, in themselves, troubling. You can't maintain a relationship unless you see each other. Is it a deal-breaker for you, are you prepared to live with it, or are you prepared to stick around longer in the hopes you can get through to your boyfriend for him to make changes? I was looking for this comment for the justnomil. Maybe his mom is too demanding, he should probably move out and become more independent. Recognize that he literally has to a) see this as a problem b) realize he is in control c) WANT to change d) actually change. My sister isnt my mom. We are older, Im late 20s and he is early 30s and our parents are older so I just wrote it off as him taking care of his older mom. He doesnt even get space to breathe.. if its not his mom, his brothers are always looking to him for permission to play video games.. asking him to make them food.. they even call him daddy constantly. It's not normal, but it is common in households without a parent figure for the oldest sibling to step into a parent-like role. But we spoke about it. If you support him now hell be yours for life. If your spouse has a great relationship with his mom, be happy He's stepping up and being a responsible member of the family, in order to make an extremely stressful and difficult situation more bearable for not only his mom but his brothers. What if you love someone and let them go? No one has a bad word to say about him. my brothers are both autistic and my father does not live The dude has a bigger problem of not knowing how to set boundaries. Does he pay rent? The unfortunate truth is the longer he has been in a codependent relationship with his mom, and the more severe it is, the worse the outlook over whether he will change. Im skeptical about OPs version of events because she lists weekly shopping as an inappropriate demand. WebMother acts like his wife and he gratifies almost every need that I knew about, even though the woman is damn capable of doing it herself. It might help you understand why he's put up with her behavior, and give you both some tools at dealing with the situation. He is generous in spirit and loyal as a puppy, but ultimately his view of you will always be shaped by that seen or unseen force: Mommy dearest. I think if you can't be with someone who is going to be busy and sometimes can't give you their full attention then I suggest that you talk to him about how you feel and that you can't be in that kind of relationship. It sounds like these two are not compatible. In my opinion I think both sides are wrong. It stops being anywhere near reasonable when his own brothers are calling him Daddy That is fucked up. Nothing changed. Once youve identified the problems, its time to talk to your boyfriend. Eventually the bf displayed extreme bad behavior with drinking and we split up. You don't work there!" The two of them might well benefit from some counseling about how to transition their relationship from parent/teenager to parent/adult. It doesn't sound like you know this guy well enough, or have spent enough time with his family, to make a fully informed judgement call on that one. Chauvinist much? does his mom know that's his goal? This is alright as long as it is not a repeated thing. Theres never a time that we go anywhere without her. The brother thing is likely because they're so young. But dont put your feelings to the side either because resentment will only build up. The mother asking him to buy food with her money and then asking for compensation when those things are eaten also sounds reasonable, I can't imagine why he should be able to eat special food (or off limit food) for free as this implies there are other food items he can eat without compensation. Also check out r/justnomil to talk to people who married people in your partner's situation. I like him, hes honestly a great guy overall but he is almost always preoccupied by his mom ordering him around or leaving him to be the father figure.. actually the parent figure in general to his siblings. a 22 year old, to start pulling his weight and help out around the house. His mother always thinks she knows best is never wrong and never apologizes. I wonder if the phone call thing was just the mom asking her kid something. So we saw it accordingly for a long time. Tina Fey She would be all to happy to score the brownie points. It could change once he moves but then again it will be a struggle so that is where he will have to establish boundaries. I think growing up in abusive households like this where youre raised with the idea that you have no boundaries, it becomes really hard for him to set any now. If he doesnt, then you need to understand your limited power to change things. I'm not going to repeat what everyone else has said, many thave said it well. They often take care of them by trying to fix things for them. But on the other hand, if you feel like my boyfriends mom treats him like her husband its unlikely something you can just overlook. Seriously. ), and then everything became a competition, which both he and she were fine with me losing. WebSometimes, spouses may treat you as if you do not matter or are not valued in their lives. May 19, 2022, 1:24 am. He wants to please you because he hates confrontation, but you can see him saying "yes" to you but then doing what he wanted to do in the first place. Obviously, it will be easier to have private time with your Is she going to the extreme? From her post it sounds like theyve only communicated with phone calls. You may not be able to get him to establish firmer boundaries, but you can firm up your own. It takes a lot for him to deal with problems head-on, so expect deep conversations and fights to be complicated. You are so young and don't need to deal with this. when he spent time with you in person, was he attentive and thoughtful? It can be incredibly challenging to change this dynamic though, as it has likely been long ingrained. It sounds like OP is already trying to change this guy and she isnt really dating him. These behaviors arent mutually exclusive, of course; my own mother was dismissive, combative, unreliable, and self-involved by turns. He's probably not gonna change. The content produced by YourTango is for informational and educational purposes only. My cousin, who lived a similar life, got cancer and died in her 40s (before her mom), having never dated, having given all her money to her mother, and having really never even had friends as an adult. If no, then there is nothing you can do, he will have to figure out for himself. I learned about this from the renowned shaman Rud Iand. You can just be done. WebIf your boyfriend can see how things between him and his mom are having a negative affect on their (and your) lives, it will be easier for him to make changes and get the right support These are loaded words that might make your boyfriend more likely to close off. By Laura Lifshitz Updated on Feb 16, 2023. He is a broken bad boy, and women love this, and he loves women to a point. In case OP/anyone else is confused, FOG stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt. For all his temper, though, he has an appealing dramatism and emotional component that borders on charisma. It means knowing what you will and wont tolerate. She deserves a boyfriend who treats her like a queen. but it's not normal that he's can't take a set amount of time to have a private call. Its not husband-ey or incestuous at all. As someone who is the youngest of six who was in a household like this, I 100% agree. Thats why you can also focus on what you want from your boyfriend and the practical changes you need to feel happier in the relationship. But if you can work around that till both of you can have your own place and spend more quality time together then go ahead. Family is important but they shouldn't be ruining or running your life. WebIf he befriends his mother yet can speak out if she upsets him, you have a confident man on your hands. This past year I've watched as a friend's mom turned on her, threw her out, and decided that she was the cause of all the mom's trouble. May 1, 2023, 3:30 pm, by In any case, you and he are very young, It is perfectly valid to say, "You're a nice guy but this relationship isn't right for me." I went through a similar situation with a mother who has poor boundaries. She should probably move on and find someone who has moved away from home. Especially if you feel stressed out by your partners relationship with his mother. Be mindful of your actions and stop treating your mate as a child. This is especially true if youre trying to maintain a healthy relationship with your partner while dealing with his unhealthy relationship with his mother. How to set boundaries in a new relationship, Is an open relationship a bad idea? Time for you to move on since you admittedly can't handle this. He always said she never had a problem with me it was just their culture but eventually it became clear that this wasnt what i wanted. It's a pity, but yikes to that whole home situation. There's a ton of good resources there. But the more empathy you can show toward him the better. If you buy through links on this page, we may earn a small commission. Sometimes, when someone is in denial, theyre so caught up in their own issues that they dont even realize theyre hurting themselves and those around them. WebIf you answered no, youre 100% acting like his mother and thats why he cant wipe without you telling him to. He has a tumultuous relationship with his mother that is rooted from day one, and it's not pretty. Get out now while you can. Does he work or go to school? All positives, no? Pop over to justnomil and read some of the information about the page. It just means you both are looking for different things and offer different things. The codependent person may feel responsible for the other persons emotions. As another comment said, deep in FOG. Yes, but it might take his being dumped by a series of girlfriends for him to get it. Old enough to make simple meals for themselves, but they're kids. If you are an outgoing partner, you won't thrive with this man. Has it led to fights? RELATED: 4 Ways His Mom Strangely Affects Your Marriage. When your boyfriend and his mother are too dependent on one another, it can become unhealthy. If he befriends his mother yet can speak out if she upsets him, you have a confident man on your hands. I feel for him. Here's what made me raise an eyebrow: Weve already had a few arguments about him always being occupied and a lack of effort to which he has made a point to call/text everyday. Did you like my article? Does he live in a separate town far away? Plus I can imagine this is really frustrating for your relationship as well. He's got many female friends, which could be fodder for jealousy, and he isn't quick to commit, but when he does commit, he's pretty taken in with the love interest he has chosen.

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